Celestedotwriting

I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to be together. I often think I can have it all and find someone insane enough to love me but to also live in their own space. That way I’ll get to have everything I want; not to be alone and not to be together either. Surely there must be someone else craving the same thing? I look for proof of successful LAT-relationships and often tell people about the friend I had growing up whose parent didn’t live in the same house but who were very much in love. I think of those examples and paint a life for myself in a smoky pink cloud of romantic bliss and feminist independence. Lately I’ve wondered though: is this real or is it only my ideal outcome. We do not seem to get a lot of ideal outcomes in life, we generally need to commit to some sort of compromise. So maybe I can only choose to be alone or to be together.

I will sign away my chance at independence and move in with another person. This person and I will be together so much that my heart can barely take it. But there will be love. Or, I dismiss romantic love and unity. Part of my heart will remain empty but my house will be full.
Full of my things, full of my identity, and full of my wish to have it all.